If I Were A Hot Little Outfit, Would You Pack Me?

March 13, 2008. New York City women are better travelers than their counterparts from the rest of the country. In mathematics there is the Fokker-Planck equation which grossly (and probably erroneously) simplified, states that the path of an object will be guided by certain external forces that attract (worlds largest ball of yarn) and repel (border patrol when you’re packing heat) the object as well as by random “noises” such as fatigue and terrain. If that was too hard for you, just focus on what a shame it is that Adriaan Fokker did not team up with Raoul Bott to come up with what would definitely have been the GREATEST equation in mathematics* ever. My point is this: a NYCW, on any given day, has similar external forces and random noises that influence her path as compared to that of a traveler. Therefore, NYCW, by conditioning, are better travelers than a woman from Tulsa.

* Short Bus Monthly Passholders: equations in mathematics are generally named for their creators in alphabetical order. Ohhh, now you get it, you waste of a $36k-a-year private school education.

For example, a traveler is often in a country where his or her native tongue is not spoken and some form of exceedingly degrading pigeon English and gesticulation is used to communicate with the local. A NYCW on any given Sunday speaks “subcontinent” to her taxi driver, “Asian” to her manicurist, and “Hispanic” to her delivery man. A traveler has to navigate massive crowds to get to [David/Eiffel Tower/Temple of Heaven/Cinderella’s Castle] while carrying a bag that holds a camera, water, raincoat, baseball cap, wallet (fake), wallet belt (real), tissues, map, guidebook, sunblock, bug spray, and ugly overpriced souvenirs made in a factory in Fujian Province. Weight Tourist: 15 lbs. A NYCW every morning has to navigate the midtown rush with a bag that holds her blackberry, phone, day and night makeup, boring critically acclaimed book she pretends to read when hot guy’s looking in the subway, water (although scratch that now that drugs have been found in the NYC water supply. NYC Water Sewer’s new slogan should be New York Tap: Bringing Water to a Whole New High), pria bar (fake), black and white cookie (real), flip flops and an umbrella. Weight NYCW: 20 lbs (5 for just the $1,500 designer bag).

The greatest contributing factor to the success of a NYCW as a traveler is the random “noise” of luggage. Traveling with too much luggage and poorly packed luggage slows you down and hinders your mobility. I understand you need to pack for every climate but let’s be clear here; there is hot and there is cold; and neither require elastic-waisted pants and t-shirts that can fit the entire cast of The Biggest Loser in it. NYCW, by limitation of their closet to clothes-whore ratio, are the best packers in the world. If there is a 1 inch by 1 inch space in the suitcase, the NYCW has the perfect-for-layering-camisole to fit it. NYCW also have an exceedingly good memory as to where everything is packed after years of “my cashmere wraps are in the 2nd underbed box behind my collection of capris” training. If packing was a high-priced escort, we’d be Elliot Effing Spitzer (all over that foshizzle!).

So with my little red suitcase packed within a centimeter of its life [Ali – Is this a guilt trip for the TINY Longchamp bag I’m making you bring for me?] and my best “Matt this is soooo heavy, can you get it up into the overhead bin for me” look down, I’m ready to look fabulous on glaciers, in rivers, over mountains and between the sand dunes.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!

Connie