Hue A Minute

[Disclaimer: The author concedes that she is a close-minded, racist, one-sided bitch. Yes, she thinks anything Chinese is by birthright better than anything non-Chinese and if she ever concedes that something not of Sino origin is superior, she will find a way to argue that the Chinese invented it first.]

Vietnamese relics suck ass. They are not completely void of charm and quaintness (euphemisms for suck ass) but as a whole they are not awe inspiring and basically looks like a poor man's China. Ali makes a fair point that I can't compare Vietnam to China, with is larger size and longer history of self rule, but hell even the Native Americans managed to carve some cool totem poles and their monetary system comprises of melon seeds, sea shells and wampum. Alas, I am a hopeless optimist who ceaselessly tries to see the positive so let's not dwell on Vietnam's sucktitude.

It is nice however, to see what Chinese-style buildings would look like today if not for fervent restoration and that is what you get out of Vietnam. There comes a point where the Chinese sites are so restored that you really looking at Benjamin Moore #462 instead of the original facade. If a piece of the wall is missing, the Chinese will just call up the local cement maker and order a replacement wall. Vietnam hasn't had the luxury (or the demand) to restore its Imperial City so what you see is what the Forbidden City would look like true to age. The Purple Forbidden City in Hue was the seat of power for the Nguyen Dynasty and all that remains is really a big stone wall. There is the front gate and not much else beyond that. You can't complain about paying the ticket price to look at an empty field because as the Vietnamese shrewdly points out, the Americans flattened the area with bombs during the American War, destroying much of Nguyen's crib. So suck it up, pay the entrance fee and repent for the mistakes your nation's mistakes.

Hoi-te Couture

Hoi An, Vietnam. Old town Hoi An is a cute riverside city and is closed off to most motorized vehicles. Unfortunately mopeds (aka chariots of death) and their horns are permitted. Not quite ready to join the Hogs of Heaven club just yet, Ali and I rented bicycles to get around town and I'm quite certain that my lungs now look like that of a 50 year old chain smoker. As god as my witness, I will never mock the surgical masks again.

I try to stick to just complaining on this farce of a blog and shy away from giving actual travel advice but I have to just this once. If you are ever in Hoi An, do not buy the entrance fee to the old town unless you want to spend 75,000 dongs to repeatedly come out asking "is that it?" You can walk the old town without having to buy a ticket. The guide books make it seem like you have to pay the entrance fee to get in but the fee is just to see 5 special "sites" in old town. Given a choice of watching a blind man thread a needle or going to these 5 sites, I'd pick the blind man. I almost missed the Japanese covered bridge completely if it wasn't for the ticket collector running after me to collect my ticket. Color me surprised to find out old town is a UNESCO world heritage site. Honestly, Russian whores are more discriminant than UNESCO.

In addition to underwhelming relics, Hoi An is home to a huge number of tailor shops who will fit and sew anything for you. Each tailor shop is just a store front with some sample designs and fabric. The actual tailoring is done in a few factories outside of town and motorbiked back in amazing turnaround time. Don't expect french seams or exquisite darting here (come on, what do you expect out of a 6 year old?) and Fashion Week ready it's not but $10 to $20 for a fake Catherine Malandrino dress made out of highly combustible nylon isn't too shabby. Also, if you are genetically asymetrical, this is your heaven because everything is made to your measurements. Tara Reid, can your lopsided boobies hear me?

Halong Bay - When Good Nature Goes Bad

Oh Halong Bay. You beautiful land of the descending dragon you. So inherently majestic that even with Bob's big head in my face, you're still a stunner. So magnificent that tour companies and hotels didn't have to trick us into voting for you as one of UNESCO's next Seven Natural Wonders. While we're on that topic. I have two pieces of bo (Vietnamese for beef) with UNESCO. First, everything is a UNESCO World Heritage site. I'm surprised grandma from my banh mi cart didn't make the cut. Second, UNESCO really needs to stop this "New Seven Wonder" shit. The whole point of SEVEN wonders is their rarity. No one is going to say "hey honey, how about going to 39th wonder for vacation?" I'll make allowances for the New Seven Wonders of the World because lets be honest, the original list makers were a wee bit racist. (Seriously though that Jesus statue in Rio is not a "New Wonder".) In fact, let's set some guidelines here. Nothing after the industrial revolution, nothing rebuilt, nothing constructed with power tools and nothing made out of metal, concrete, fiberglass, plastic, rubber or yarn can qualify.

Ali and I went kayaking in Diesel Juice (ahem Halong) Bay and found a rock in a cave that looks suspiciously like a pair of something-that-rhymes-with-malls. Displaying new found poise and maturity that comes with experiencing poor people, we only took 85 pictures each and only turned our kayaks around three times to "capture the right light".